She was beautiful. Beautiful soft radiant skin. Her dark brown eyes would sparkle with each smile. She had the thick, dark, luscious flowing hair of an Egyptian empress and the facial curvature of a goddess.
Her heart. Her heart was the centre of all her beauty. However, what she saw was a phenomenon riddled in complexities and the scars of a dark past. She saw a heart laced with a veneer of vulnerability and insatiable distrust; a fortress of walls high enough to kiss the lapels of the heavens and gates that no locksmith could fathom – a gorge of visceral fears and doubts.
I was not blind to this. Not at all. I saw all these flaws. But to me, her flaws created the greatest canvas. A portrait of perfection that surpasses all reference. All I wanted was to give her my rose tinted Ray Bans and let her see the beauty of her being – Through my eyes.
I remember one night, the rain was dancing on her window. There was no one else in the room but her and I, the darkness and a small vista of sapphire-blue moon light that gently pierced through the hem of the curtains creating a subtle motif of highlights on the arch her back. The pale white sheets found rest just below her waist. We laid there, skin to skin, her head resting on my chest whilst I laid on my back running my fingers through her hair. Her left hand laid flat beside her face, her index finger swirling and tapping a slow paradiddle, mimicking the beat of my heart.
“How long is forever?” she exasperated – her light spacey voice breaking the silence. She asked me almost as if she had just lost a battle to her logic, her indulgent doubts and insecurities. “You said you will love me beyond forever… How long is forever?”
I paused. Not because I did not have an answer. Not because I doubted the veracity of my own words but because I had come to the sudden realisation of what my words actually meant. I had found a love so deep my dreams began and ended with her. A love so deep her existence reversed my rationale and her imperfections became the very thing that drew me closer to her being. I had found a love in her so deep I would pass on heaven just to spend three eternities with her in this very room holding her in my arms.
“Forever is when life stops giving me reasons to want you. Forever is when loving you stops making sense. I will love you through the bliss and I will love you even when it hurts. Forever is not dependant on time because when I think about what I feel for you, time is not an object nor a factor”.
I never knew what love was until I found her. Let me explain. Of course I had been in love, I had an idea of what love is. Just like you. But I had never known the depth of true love. I had never known the joy nor did I know just how much true love can hurt. The thing with our mentality is we see love as the gentle, sweet-tempered emotion and automatically assume hate to be the antitheses; a vicious, grave emotion. It’s only until you fall in love that you realise just how much of a myth that is.
Love can burn you from the inside out. It can make you feel pain you never imagined was possible outside the physical context. Love is the emotion that propels your very being. Love is the emotion that connects your physical to your metaphysical. Love is emotion.
“Don’t ever hurt me”. I can almost still feel her frosty, delicate breath on my chest from when she whispered those words. The vulnerable sincerity of her tone spoke volumes beyond those small four words she uttered.
If you close your eyes and taunt human nature, you are twice defeated. Better is the one who stumbles into open flames unintentionally than one who intentionally closes their eyes, hopes for the best and walks into a furnace.
Love belongs to humans. With humans, inherently, comes human nature. With human nature comes the great capacity to fall short of grace. Imperfection makes us human. This is why we make promises based on intentions and dismiss negative probabilities and potential human errors. Unfortunately, none of us are judged by the grace of our intentions when those negative probabilities claim victory – No one gives a damn about your good intentions.
I could never have predicted what happened next…